(CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
I'm melting!
Frank? Frank?
Oh, my god, we're too late. He's out of his cone!
No!
(SOBBING)
S01E02 - Crossing the Line (WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Hi, let me get two tickets to this place,
one for me and a second one just in case I lose the first one.
This is by reservation.
Okay, so resurrect me a ticket or something. I don't know.
I cannot let a rhino into the ceremony.
(YELPS)
Oh, you're one of the racist people.
I think I heard about you on the television set.
I am not a racist.
- Then let me in. - No.
You racist honky.
- How about now? - No.
- Okay, how about now? - No.
(DEEP VOICE) How about now?
No. (GROWLING)
- No. - Come on.
Sir, you are a rhino. What are you doing?
- I'm gonna Angry Bird this joint. - Where did you get that?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hey, sweetie. - Baby, I am so sick right now.
This is ridiculous.
I think I got the bird flu or H1N1 anthrax or something.
- I don't know what's going on. - I'm sure it's fine.
I can feel it. I'm dying. And I was gonna do so much.
I wanted to be the first famous black ballerina.
I need you to come and save me with your white powers.
(PHONE RINGS) Honey, just hold on one second.
- You don't put me on hold... - This is Triptank.
Well, I like real television! So maybe when you grow a pair,
you call me back and I'll watch your next (BLEEP) disaster.
Hold, please. (CONTINUES YELLING)
I am losing my life! This shit's not funny.
Are you giggling, mother(BLEEP)?
That woman has beat you down to a soggy-ass wet noodle.
Maybe try eating some barbecue and drink a beer,
and then you'll grow a sack, you little tit baby.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC) # The last dead unicorn #
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
(NEWS THEME MUSIC)
We're hearing that the first miner is about to be pulled up.
(CLUCKING)
(GASPS)
It appears we have a little visitor.
(CHUCKLES) Just zoom in on that.
Excuse me? Aren't you going to interview me?
Why are you filming this disgusting chicken?
(SOBBING)
He's gonna kill himself! (GASPS)
Take back what you said to the chicken.
- But he's just a chicken. - You hurt his little animal feelings.
(SIGHS)
Chicken, please do not poison yourself.
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)
'Cause I am 12 days hungry!
(CLUCKS ANGRILY)
If he falls in, he'll disintegrate.
(CLUCKING ANGRILY)
Chicken, I am deeply sorry.
(CLUCKS)
(ONLOOKERS SIGH IN RELIEF)
That you are as stupid as you look. (CLUCKING ANGRILY)
(ONLOOKERS GASP)
(NEWS THEME MUSIC)
The broadcast just went worldwide.
We can not have a chicken fry himself while the world is watching.
(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
(CLUCKING ERRATICALLY)
Senor chicken, I am very, very, very, very, very,
very sorry. (CLUCKS) Don't tell you, tell the world?
I was stuck in a mine and feared for my life,
but I am not the one you should grieve for.
Everyone should look to señor chicken.
He is the true hero.
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)
That's the money shot.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(CLUCKS)
You want to shake my hand?
(CHUCKLES)
I would be honored.
Ah, ¿por qué? (SCREAMS)
(CLUCKS)
(CLUCKING)
(GASPS) Honey! Come quick!
Baby's about to take his first steps.
(BELCHES)
(DEEP VOICE) Hey. I'm Tommy, and I'm an alcoholic.
(COUGHING)
(ROCK MUSIC)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Yes, most shrimp and rib don't come together,
but they're doing their best.
At least that's what she said... he said...
they all said... we all said...
with the shrimp and a rib. Hey, there, shrimp. Shrimp.
Hey, kiddies, time for Versus.
Versus. Everybody knows you got my spats on.
(GRUNTS)
Mm, free drug.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Welcome, combatant. Choose weapon:
Assault rifle, chain saw,
malt liquor, 40 ounces.
Hmm, I'm gonna need to make choices now.
I always make good choices.
CHOOSE ARMOR: Chain mail,
kevlar suit, barbecue sauce.
(BELCHES)
Barbecue sauce!
(LAUGHING)
(SPUTTERING)
Mmm, yeah.
Good sauces.
(CLEARS THROAT)
This week's combatants:
Drunk hobo slathered in barbecue sauce
versus.
Six Gorillas.
Hmm, crocodiles. I should have known.
Burn.
(GROANING)
- Ugh! - Dude.
(GROANING)
Mm, mm-hmm. Whew... oh.
Oh, come on now. Just a little bit.
All right, all right. Enough. Light him up.
Frisbee.
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
Frisbee!
(GUNFIRE)
(SHOUTS) I'm the gingerbread man!
No está aquí.
Follow the trail of sweet, savory, hickory barbecue sauce.
Tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe.
¿Adónde va?
(ROPES CREAKING)
(YELLS)
This is the end of me. (SPLAT)
- Sneaky like a ninja. - A log?
(GRUNTING)
(BABBLING)
(BLADES WHIRRING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You go ahead, sir. I've got this.
Bury the fear inside. Bury the fear inside.
(WAIL IN DISTANCE) (PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
Por favor, don't kill me.
(SNIFFING)
You smell enchanting.
(ROMANTIC BALLAD)
(PURRS)
I finally know love.
♪ I want to believe ♪
♪ that we can last forever ♪
I did not see that coming.
WINNER: Love.
♪ I want to believe ♪
♪ that we can la... ♪
So how's the new guy, huh? (RAPIDLY BABBLING)
Is his horn bigger than mine? (RAPIDLY BABBLING)
Sir, get off of the sidewalk, please.
I'm talking to my ex-girlfriend. Do you mind?
Anyway, my parents are gonna be out of town this weekend
if you want to come by, you know...
(DIAL TONE) Hello? Hello?
She hung up. Never date a Caribbean woman.
They'll rip your heart out and cook it with curry, let me tell you.
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey!
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(VICTORIOUS MUSIC)
Look at that asshole, Gary.
Just sitting there, reading his menu like a jerk.
Yeah, who does he think he is, the king of France?
Reading a menu.
We're gonna prank that idiot so hard he'll pee-pee his pants.
Oh, yes. Revenge will be ours.
I still don't understand why I have to be the waiter.
- Wh... dude, you're a natural waiter. - Yeah, you've got a servant's face.
I don't know if that's true.
The first time I met you, I tried to order some poppers.
- Do we really even need a waiter? - We've gone over this 100 times.
We have a finely tuned revenge plan that involves a waiter.
We need a stupid waiter.
You're the stupid waiter. It's done.
I guess I'm not sure how this is even a prank.
I still say simply throwing a glass of water
- in his face... - He doesn't get it.
Yeah, he's not gonna get it.
There's nothing going on behind those eyes.
Do you have your fake mustache or not?
Dana, does this answer your question?
Congratulations. All right, revenge time.
Let's roll.
Excuse me. May I take your order, please?
Oh, hello. Yes, thank you.
I am ready to order. I will have the egg...
(YELLS)
All right, everybody, this is a robbery.
- Dude, that was my line. - You were terrible in rehearsal.
Everyone get your hands in the air,
and then get your money into your hands
- that are in the hands in the air! - Right, and I was bad in rehearsal.
- Just put everything in the air! - I'm taking a hostage.
- Uh, you! Tubbo! Stand up! - No, please.
Stupid waiter, give me all the money in the register,
or we will shoot this fat, worthless sack of crap.
- Oh, please, no. - I got an itchy trigger finger!
I'm sorry. I'm too stupid to operate the register.
What? Come on, man, please.
Fine, then just give me all the money in your pockets,
or I'm gonna paint the walls with this guy's skull
and his brains and his stupid hair.
All I've got is $3.25, but I need it for the bus.
Please just give him the money.
Whoa! So what you're saying is
that this disgusting slob's life is not even worth $3.25?
No, I don't think it is.
- What? - Okay, fine.
- Then I'm gonna kill him. - Please, I have a wife and kids.
Get ready to die, dummy!
(SOBBING)
Ha! Gary pissed his pants! Totally called it.
What? How do you know my name?
Because it's us, you jerk.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Dana? Andy?
What are you... what the hell is going on here?
Just your classic "fake stickup in a coffee shop,
"make a guy piss his pants in public" revenge prank!
Suck it, Gary! Whoo!
(DOOR BELLS JINGLE)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Whoo!
Wow. What a fantastic plan.
- Very realistic. I was scared. - Me too.
I mean, I didn't piss my pants like that ugly loser, but...
And I've never seen such a stupid waiter.
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
(PHONE RINGS)
- Triptank. - Hi.
I just wanted to call and let you know
that me and all my friends hate your show.
Hold, please.
Don't give me a hunk of bologna and tell me it's a filet mignon.
I'm just kidding. I'd love to be on the show.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Hold, please.
You don't put me on hold. I'm dying.
I'm gonna come back from the dead,
- and I'm gonna haunt your sorry ass. - (PHONE RINGS) Sorry.
Roy, can you handle these calls? Just put them on hold.
I got it, man. I seen you do it 1,000 times.
I got this under control.
Triptank Studios, R.W. speaking.
I've been jerking off all day, and I'm all, like, raw and sad,
and I didn't get any wishes or anything.
I can't help you with shit. You're a thumb-sucking little sissy.
You're on hold. (PHONE RINGING)
It is absolutely the worst thing we've ever seen on television.
- Got to dip in. Hold on. - I don't know. Be a crossing guard.
Transferring to line 5. (PHONE RINGS)
Triptank Studios. Put some ice on it.
You're going on hold.
- So you gonna let me in or what? - No. (GUN COCKS)
All right, listen up, everybody.
I better get some wine right now, or I'm gonna blow this guy's brains out.
(ALL BABBLING)
Okay, get me some wine, or I'll kill myself.
Oh, dear lord! (SCREAMS)
That endangered rhino is going to kill himself!
Someone get him some wine.
Now, this is more like it. I can finally get my drink on.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Crap.
(UPBEAT TUNE)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
I've waited all summer to finally see her again.
(SIGHS)
Lilly.
(GIGGLING)
Oh! Wow. What are those?
Hi, Billy. Fun and new.
You want to come out and play with us?
Boobs. Boobs.
Boobs!
I'm back! Oh, god.
If walls could have babies, this would be China.
Dude, what's your problem?
- Lilly's new boobs! - What were they?
Were they, like, "bee stings"
or were they, like, full-on watermelons?
I want to see her boobs. No, I want to see all boobs.
No, I wish I could see all boobs all the time!
Jizzam!
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
- We're perky. - We're bouncy.
We're suspiciously symmetrical.
This is the best day of my life! Nothing can ruin this!
- Billy, you forgot your lunch. - Nooo!
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
Billy, remember when we used to feed you?
(SLURPING)
Did I tell you I got nip rings?
(MOANING) (CHUCKLING)
I know. How about that? (YELLING)
Don't forget to drink your milk.
When boobs have lost their magic, how is life worth living?
Oh, it isn't.
That's why I'd like to introduce you to internet porn...
(SHIMMERING TONE)
Where the combinations of body parts and holes
and penises are as limitless as your imagination.
(GRUNTING)
(MOANING)
(GROANS)
I can't feel anything anymore.
- But awesome boobs, right? - I don't want to live this way.
- I wish I weren't so desensitized. - Jizzam.
(SOBBING)
Lilly? What's wrong?
All the boys won't stop staring at my boobs.
But you're more than just your looks. You're smart and cool and...
- And the A.C.'s on full blast. - Boobs!
(SIGHS) I love the internet.
(WHIMSICAL TUNE)
(ROCK MUSIC)
(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hold on, dog.
I got to take this. Hold on.
What the (BLEEP)?
I can't stop shaking.
My whole life flashed, just like in the movies.
Would you like a glass of water to calm your nerves, sir?
Oh, yes, please. Thank you.
- Ha, ha! - Matt?
Suck it, Gary. Whoo!
(TIRES SCREECH)
- Suck it, Gary! Whoo! - (APPLAUSE) Amazing.
- Oh, they got him again. - Fantastic.
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
But mom said that when a man and a women
puts their parts together, it means they want a baby.
- So can I try that? - Transferring to line 5.
(PHONE RINGS) Triptank Studios.
I don't know what kind of (BLEEP) clown town you all live in.
I was about to put my weiner in the vacuum.
You have no future.
It's so bad, it makes us want to gouge our eyes out.
(ALL CALLERS TALKING)
What did you just do?
I don't know what you're talking about, man.
- There's no problems here. - Do you like orange?
- Get a (BLEEP) life! - I hate you!
(ALL CALLERS TALKING)
You know me. I'm Mr. There's-got-to-be-a-better-way.
I've made billions finding problems
and selling solutions, so I started this charity.
Now I solve the world's problems, the bigger, the better.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, maybe I could help too.
Yeah, I don't think so. You're just a janitor.
True, I may be a lowly janitor, but...
- You're a temp. You're not... - Yeah, yeah.
"Temp" janitor. That's right.
But keep in mind, I have two degrees:
A master's in complex math problems
and a doctorate in the toughest chemistry there is, so...
- Right, I see that. - Framed.
Great, well, I can't wait to get started.
So does anyone have a problem here?
When I was flipping through my favorite magazine this morning,
Cigar Chomper...
Mmm, that's a yummy cigar.
- Yes, that's me on the cover. - Very handsome.
Look inside here. I saw this photo of a starving child.
- Oh. - Look at this kid.
- Look at him! - Yeah, I don't get it.
There's all this food, but not everyone is getting to eat.
There's got to be a better way.
Well, you guys are all eating, so you figured something out.
- Marilyn, what are you chomping on? - Oh, I'm on this special diet
because it's my time of the month. No pun intended.
- And I'm eating a... - There was no pun there.
- That's not a pun. - I didn't get a pun.
I'm eating a vagination vagina monologues energy bar,
- and it is awesome. - Jack, what do you got in...
- slopping in your mouth over there? - Um, this is a...
it's what they call a burgy-burgy chick burger.
It's a chicken burger with two beef burgers as the bun.
- So it's... it's good. - Does it fill you up?
- You know what, it doesn't do the trick, but... - You need to top it off.
Yeah, I top it off with ranch and then some...
- Is that what that bucket is? - Yeah, a bucket of ranch.
- You're not cleaning. - No, it's just a bucket of ranch I use...
- Why are you dipping your mop into it? - It's a to-go mop.
(CHOMPS)
(SLURPING)
Wait, Martin, what have you got there?
Oh, I have the meaty meat super burrito from Taco Yums.
- Well, how much was it? It's huge. - It's actually only 20... 22 cents.
It is big, but I tend to eat it for the entire week.
Hey, guys, I just got a brainstorm.
Why don't we pay the Taco Yum corporation to build
a massive super-burrito, the biggest burrito ever made?
(MOUTH FULL) Sounds like a plan.
But if we're gonna build a burrito this large,
we'll need... where are we gonna build it?
The Grand Canyon.
Cool water keeps the lettuce cool on the bottom.
Hot sun keeps the meat and cheese hot on top.
It's a large enough area.
Could get 14 mile of beans, 14 mile of cheese,
14 mile of meat, 14 mile of lettuce and salsa,
All wrapped into a 25-mile round super-tortilla
that would be the envy of old Mexico.
New Mexico too, now that I think about it.
The envy of all of Mexico.
- (GRUMBLES) How dare they? - Yeah, it ain't right.
We're the ones that make tortillas, not them.
People could eat in two-month increments, fatten up.
It could take weeks to get through the beans to the meat
and weeks more to get through the meat to the cheese.
Whoo-hoo! I struck cheese!
Okay, gang, should the hot sauce be super fiery hot or super mild?
I might... if I need to take my top off
to help me think better, it could happen.
- We need solutions. - Get those forest fire
water dumper airplanes to fly overhead and dump sauce
depending on the color of the flags being flown.
(SCREAMS) Hotsy-totsy!
- Oh, wow. - Why are we here again?
- What about the diarrhea? - It keeps you thin.
(CHUCKLES) You got to look at the bright side.
Hey, maybe people could share a giant toilet.
Right, but you'd need a big sewage pipe.
- The mighty Mississippi. - The Mississipp!
- Waste would flow down to New Orleans. - He is a janitor.
I think we just solved the problem of homegrown hunger.
- We did it! - Thanks, Jack.
- Oh, no problem. - You gonna finish all that ranch?
Uh, if you don't mind,
I would just like to sit here and eat the rest of...
(SLURPING)
Oh, Jack.
- Here's your club sandwich, sir. - Thanks.
Yep, that is a shit sandwich.
(TIRES SCREECH) Suck it, Gary! Whoo!
Wow, poop-filled sandwich.
I mean, they had to have set that up yesterday.
Amazing.
Here's the check. I already added 20%.
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
(ROCK MUSIC)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Whoa, that was great. What a rush!
- That went perfectly. - I literally have never felt more alive.
Yeah, I mean, you guys were stepping all over my lines,
- but it was... - Classic revenge, right?
Hey, is it weird that I peed my pants when Gary peed his pants?
- No, I kind of peed my pants too. - As did I.
I can't believe that son of a bitch Gary
made us pee our pants!
- Oh, what a jerk! - Hate that guy!
We have to get that asshole back.
Gary, you are going to suck it.
- You are going to suck it hard! - Suck it!
BOTH: Suck it, suck it, suck it!
Come on. Do it with me, guys.
ALL: Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it!
- Suck it, suck it! - Suck it, Gary! Whoo!
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GULPS)
(SIGHS) It just doesn't do it for me anymore, darling.
Do you want me to call my sister instead?
Yes, I do.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Hey, Ben. Phone's ringing, bro.
Ahh, serenity.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Hey, babe. Turns out I'm not dying.
- I think it was just gas. - All right.
What you want to eat for dinner tonight?
(PHONE RINGS)
I was thinking maybe some Mexican food
or some Chinese food or some regular white people food.
I could cook it up for you, or we can go out... whatever you want.
Ooh, what about my wiener in a balloon filled with jell-o?
Ooh, baby. You'd like that, huh?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
- Sync & correction by flnco. - Addic7ed.com